Finding the kid you are within

I remember being determined to write regularly. However, I stumble often on my way to keeping my own promise because no matter what I say, somehow, something more important than writing always comes up.

I had a wonderful summer, for instance.

This much needed summer was like, everything else beautiful in life- quite fleeting. Nevertheless, I remember that I really forgot to whine over how fast it is passing, or how many things I will have to wrap up once I am back home. I just let myself go with a flow. I guess that is why it was so beautiful. I was 100% me with a chance of becoming even a happier person. :)

this is how I felt this summer :)

I bought this bookmark at the beginning of s this ummer, on which there is a quote "Growing OLD is inevitable. Growing UP is optional." That quote being my motto, I decided to find enough time to be a goof. And I did :)

So- what I realized is - we just do not have enough time to be kids. And when we do get time to be kids, we still sometimes decide to act like grown-ups. I was privileged to spend my summer vacation in Greece with a person who lets me be myself to the fullest extent- with a person who accepts me for who I am. It is difficult to find a person like that, because it seems to me that people are always burdened with what they think is right or wrong, that they can not easily accept the differences and enjoy somebody being different from them.

Remember the time when we thought everything was possible? A grown-up will make up thousands of reasons why something cannot be done. A kid will give you just as many reasons how to do it. Surely, many would now say- but the grown-up is right- He knows much more and can objectively evaluate possibilities therefore giving the right conclusion. Chances of becoming an astronaut are minimal. But the point is- a kid will believe that becoming something against the odds is possible.

As I was staring at the sea, sipping out my cold frappe and thinking about how nostalgic I am about the period when I was just a kid, I remembered my dear teacher who told me once that the only reasons we crave so much to return to the childhood is the fact that it is over and that the time is irreversible.
However, the remains of that careless period of our lives are still inside of us. We just have to be great psycho-archaeologists to find them. Unlike fossils, those remains can be revived.
We are inevitably pressured by various obligations on daily basis. We are forced to think like computers, carefully planning our steps if we want to ensure our economical stability, our financial independence. But I don't think that losing the kid you are inside is worth it.
Maybe this blog post of mine is crappy if you have been unfortunate when you were a kid. If you have been misunderstood, if you have suffered and were pressured... Adulthood was then something that you have been expecting joyously . But even if it is so, you cannot deny that the kid you were believed that things can always be better and that the happiness lies somewhere close, waiting to be reached.

“Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics.” - Stephen King

That positive, crazy thinking is what we often miss. I have heard countless times that it is better to start with a pessimistic attitude, because if you fail, you will be OK- you have expected to fail afterall, right?
I keep passing these tips on how to be positive, how to wake up the kid you are inside- that creative little child who never gives up on his dreams, but the truth is that even I find myself many times hushing him up, telling him to stay quiet because this is a grown-up world.

“Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Don't underestimate people who despite their intelligence, many virtues, admiring academical skills know how to goof off, how to burst out laughing, make fools of themselves etc. They are not like that despite that, but in Addition to that.

“Children see magic because they look for it.”- Christopher Moore

Always look for the magic, and you'll always end up seeing it. Enjoy life.

Processing the sadness

This is one of those nights when you can feel the tiredness invading your whole body and yet, there is no chance that you can fall asleep. Herman Hesse, one of my favorite writers says that nights like this one should be cherished. One who has never spent a night awake in thoughts, filled up with sweet sorrow, has never truly felt anything deep enough. 

In my attempt to cherish this night without letting my spirit crush and bursting into tears (because my defense mechanisms depart to some other unknown place after 1 am) I figured out that the most constructive thing would be to write a new post.

I bet you have had nights like this one too. I decided to write because I "accidentally" bump into the saddest songs on YouTube or end up choking from sadness while reading lines of  some book I'm reading. I am trying to process all of the sad emotions and guide them safely to the exit. Life is to short to be sad, right?

A great friend of mine told me not to run way from my emotions. She told me to feel free to express them. I somehow find it easier to put them aside and do some other things, such as planning projects, studying Greek, playing basketball...anything. Just not that one scary thing that needs to be done: introspection. 

For me- the very process of expressing them is hurtful beyond the imaginable extent.

This is one of those blog posts with no precise topic or function. I cannot even say that it is an attempt to create something original, artistic...Catharsis. Nothing more. But as it is the case with every other sort of cleaning, in this way too, I can't run away from the fact that the dust keeps falling again and again... Cleaning should be a repetitive process. And I never really liked cleaning. I do not like to process. I like to get over and move on.

Robert Frost says : "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

It truly does. The question is, how does it go on? Are there things that we can never ever get over? I am not trying to be pathetic.. I am just wondering. This is not the first time I had such nights...Of course I  had nights like this before... And I reminiscence being even much sadder and thinking how I was never going to find a way to be better, but somehow it turned out to be completely different. Universe has its own crazy ways. I read somewhere recently that we need to get used to not finding signs on life's most important crossroads. Everything will come to its place in due time. I just need to convince myself that I really believe in that. 

There are so many things left unsaid. 

So many things left undone. 

So many moments unfulfilled. 

So many places left unseen. 

So much of us left behind. 

And so much of us lost in fear.

Anticipation. I wish we all had a permanent prospective memory disorder and that we were programmed to think only about the moments happening now. I wish we couldn't anticipate the future. 

We wouldn't run away. We wouldn't let the fear interfere.

There are some things I can't change. I gotta learn to let go.

Sometimes one just needs to accept being sad as a healthy thing and let the time do its own thing. 

Process the sadness. 

Finding a way or finding an excuse

Some things aren't meant to happen. 

That's why it is so frustrating to keep believing they can still make it against all the odds. 

However, even those things that aren't meant to happen end up happening sometimes, right?
If we are told that something isn't meant to happen, that does not necessarily mean that there is no chance it will happen ..., right? 

So, there are chances that the whole thing about "things that aren't meant to happen" may actually be about our persistence to make things happen ...Am I right...? Or am I wrong...? So confusing. :) So confused.

Anyhow, I was wondering...

How do we know that something isn't meant to happen? Is that to be judged based on how many obstacles we need to overcome on our way to the point that we marked as our destination...? Or do we figure out that something is not meant to be based on how much luck we have on our road to seeing something happen? If you constantly fail, if you are constantly interrupted by something or someone, does that mean that something just isn't "meant to be" despite all your sincere efforts? Failing and rising....Saving up strength, then wasting it.... Ups and downs....And trying over and over again.... How do we know that we should give up on something? How can we be sure that we are right to give up?
Should we do a cost-benefit analysis? I mean - sure, if it is an financial decision :) ... But what is it if it's about relationships (our friends, families, partners...) ? What is use of cost-benefit analysis then?

I was studying Career Management this semester, and one of the things that really made an impact of me was the quote of Donald Super (famous psychologist, creator of one of the most influential theories of career development) which said that when there is enough knowledge, there is no such thing as a coincidence. Basically, most of the things we are involved into are the consequences of our own choices. Persons we chose to be with, fields that we determine to study, etc.

I despise thinking that everything about us and around is determined. I believe that we are the ones choosing what will happen next in most of the cases. Sure, there are some things we can't control...We do not know whether we'll get struck by lightening or hit by a car; whether we'll end up ill (although we can partly affect that as well)... we can't choose a country in which we are born and raised, we cannot choose who are our parents, brothers or sisters etc. However, at many life's crossroads, in most cases, we are the ones determining which path we're choosing. And if we know where we're going determined that we want to get there, who the hell is "Destiny" to tell us that something cannot be done?? 

Disney movie - Mulan. Inspiring in so many ways.

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

The most important question is, however- is someone or something worth of all the effort and persistence... Is it reasonable to sacrifice your own energy, your own time and effort to achieve what you have intended? If you are going against all the odds, you should be damn right certain what are the reasons for doing all of that... It is those reasons that are necessary for determination to be strong. 

In the end, you are the one responsible for the steps you are taking. You are the one who needs to handle the difficulties and the weight of your choice, the consequences that can be quite rough sometimes and to bear in mind that chances are that you might not succeed. Determined, but aware of the possible outcome. With big dreams, but realistic. 

In the end, it is up to us. Fight or flight. Basic principle applicable to any life situation. It's about what we are ready to undergo. It is about our will to keep on. It is up to us how much of something we are ready to take. A friend of mine told me recently: "Who is willing to find a way, ends up finding it. Who isn't - ends up finding an excuse for running away." 

There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it's easy.

Running away is easy. If you care for something, fight for it. 

Words left unsaid

One of the things I have learned through the basic course of psychotherapy, is that sometimes what is left unsaid by our patient is far more important than what he has said. When you analyze his written self-description it is quite often that what he neglects to mention is what is actually crucial. We usually speak about things that we are comfortable speaking about, but the things we are feeling insecure about, things that seriously bother us, things that are hard to express and that are really significant to us are far more difficult to speak about.

I was thinking about this the other day....and what I figured out is that sometimes in our relationships through life (and I don't necessarily mean romantic relationships only, but rather any kind of relationship...) things that hurt the most aren't the things that are said, but the things that have not be said when we needed them to be said. What is kept in silence can wound us more than any insult or painful truth. Things that we are missing to hear are sometimes things that are crucial for us. Like in psychotherapy, sometimes what is not said is more important than what is said. Sometimes, it is easier for us to say words in anger than to say things out of love to the person we care about. 

I bet that if we suddenly found out that the world shall reach its end tomorrow and we wouldn't have any chance to see people that we care about ever again, internet, post offices, phone lines would all be crowded with all of the words we missed out saying while we could... Millions and millions of messages saying "I miss you", "I love you", "Thank you for everything...", "You mean so much to me".... because so many of us have probably failed in saying those when we actually had a chance.... 

I guess that it seems justified to assume that words mean nothing if there are no acts to follow them. But I'd say that although words are empty if there are no actions, actions without words (at least for me) seem sometimes insufficient (I say sometimes, because there are some actions along which words seem rather redundant). Those two need to be combined. A cake would taste just as good, just as sweet, even if it didn't have the icing... Still- there is a reason that we put icing on the top. Without icing, it seems like the cake is unfinished, incomplete. That's how I feel when there are no words. True- if it is a crappy cake, no icing would do any good- even if it was made by Cake Boss himself :) But if the cake is good- icing makes it better. :)

One of the things that differs us from animals is symbolical function; an ability to abstract the meaning and express it through words. We are the only privileged living beings on this planet who have such an amazing opportunity to express their feelings and emotions through words.

Why should we miss out an opportunity to use words to say to someone precious to us how deeply we care? 

No day is better than today when it comes to saying something nice to the person you care about. Don't miss an opportunity. If you have kept something silent and you feel is important, do not miss out on saying it loud. Chances are easily missed. And once they are missed, they do not pop up on your road just like that again. 

Make sure you say things that you need to say. 

Make sure that you do not regret missing out on saying things that should be said.

Being a psychologist

I started my first year of high school, absolutely sure that I want to be an architect. During my second year as an exchange student in the States I was debating whether I should end up majoring Italian or English language. In my third year of high school, I started thinking it would be quite cool if I studied Astrophysics. Well, it was quite logical that in the end, I ended up in an endless mess that Psychology has to offer. :)

It is often said that there are two types of people who take a psychology major. The first one are those who study it because they want to cure the others. The second one are those who want to cure themselves. Well, either way, we choose this major for a noble purpose :)

Also, there are two types of reactions to the fact that someone studies Psychology.

The first one is usually like this: "Oh wow, that's awesome!" 

The other one is usually this one : "Why study that crap? You should study something serious- like medicine ...or economics, for instance!"

I remember my professor of History of Psychology saying that one way or another, no one remains indifferent to psychology. 

The truth is, in today's modern world, psychologists have taken multiple identities: 

They are psychics, they can predict the future and tell you all about yourself (most frequent questions are:  " (Now that you've known me for just a few seconds) What is it that you can tell me about myself?" )... and yes, they are telepathic as well ( "So, what am I thinking right now?"); They are doctors, they cure (they can always figure out what is wrong with you) ; They are experimenters ( ...they tie people to chairs and experiment with electroshocks) ; They are animal whisperers ( they can tell you whether your cat loves you or not ); And they are so many other things.... The point is - their role in this world adjusts to people's views on their profession. In fact, they can be everything you want them to be. :)

Funny thing though, is that the only thing psychologists can surely do all the way right is predicting that nothing is utterly predictable. :) 

We are taught that we cannot really be psychologists if we do not know statistics. It is often said that what our purpose is, is explaining the variance. Variance is actually a measure of variability. Our aim is to explain the existing variability of many different things. However, I have never heard that it has ever been registered that some variable or a set of variables can explain 100% of variance of some other variable.(Dear colleagues, please correct me if I am wrong :) ) So- to sum up- you can never explain anything completely :) 

So what is the use of psychology if it cannot explain things completely or predict with a flawless accuracy? Well, I have been studying psychology for three years now, and I am only on the doorstep of discovering so many possible uses of it. Psychology necessarily interferes all aspects of human existence - therefore it's power is very big. At least- that's what I like to think :) I like to think that our work makes a better place out of this world.... :)

I also believe that I have grown as a person by studying psychology. I believe that I have started being more open to others' experiences, that I have unleashed the potential of understanding others and subsuming their ways of thinking...

I think that it is essential to be open-minded to study psychology. If you are capable of looking in one direction only, it is guaranteed that you cannot be a psychologist (or you can be a very bad one... in my opinion, at least)

Why have I started writing about this? It is because I think that psychology has been highly underestimated, and because I have met many people who look at psychology as an inferior to other sciences. I know that I do not have an ability to change people's opinions, nor am I trying to do that by writing this... I just wanted to state that I believe that it has much more potential than people believe it has... :) And that studying it is a privilege.

I have found this cool set of reason why to date a psychologist that I needed to share here: :)

1. We always guess what you want for your birthday without asking explicitly.

2- We can read body language.

3- We can guess when when someone is lying to you (unless the other person is a pscyhologist as well)

4- You can always talk about sex with us; we are used to it.

5- Psychologists are legends, the others are just statistics.

6- Want to have a healthy family? Marry a psychologist.

7-Psychologists are good cookers; we know how to make vegetables happy.

8- It doesn't matter how much alcohol a psychologist has drunk, he/she is always sober. A psychologist knows how to adapt to the sudden modification of the social context (and the visual modification). 

9- A psychologist never argues or fights. He/she just conducts a participant or non-participant observation...

... And I guess there are many more :) ;) 

And here are some funny psychology pics for the end :) Have a laugh :) 

:))))))))) 

Rights and wrongs

It is not rare that the things for which we thought were unquestionably good turn out to be bad and vice versa.  So, I was wondering, how does it happen that our own perceptions can make us look like idiots? Or is it our mind that twists the perceptions on purpose just to satisfy its own needs (of which existence we sometimes aren’t even aware of) ?

I find it really annoying when people start criticizing me for being “too blind to see the obvious reality” or for being "unable to recognize what's right and what's wrong" (no matter what situation it is). Come on! Sometimes I feel that there is no such thing as  a distinction between wrongs and rights; what we define as good and bad depends merely on how we choose to see things that we are surrounded by. There is no such thing as definite reality and definite truth. Somehow, I am learning to be deaf to these lame categorizations … One cannot exclude himself from the picture that he's observing- so whoever tells you that there is such thing as an “objective approach/ point of view” is talking in oxymorons. If something is an approach or point of view- it is with no further doubt necessarily subjective.

If you actually come to think about the definitions of truth or reality and look up for their definitions online- you'll find that there are many. Even the definitions aren't definite.

So- who are we to label and judge others? Who are we to judge whether someone's wrong or right? 

My wrongs are sometimes someone’s rights; your rights can be my wrongs. Wrongs and rights differ from one culture to another, from one life philosophy to another; from one point in time to another... Bottom line- wrongs and rights are different for different persons, in different times, in different surroundings...

My advice in this post to all of those who have not given up reading by this paragraph :) is: DO NOT ASK FOR ADVICES and DO NOT GIVE ADVICES J All the answers are in yourself. Think with your own head.

I know that I’d never take back some of the stupid things I have done. Yes, they all had their price tags and some of them have been quite expensive to pay :), almost too expensive to handle. But they have made me a person I am today. And though I have many things I’d wish to improve, I like the person I am today. J No regrets. 

I doubt that this will be an eye opening blog post :) But I hope that it will get you to think about these things if you haven't been thinking about them before.... :) 

Do not judge people for their actions so quickly. Try to understand them. Understanding and acceptance does not have to mean that you are approving of something... You do not have to excuse someone's actions in order to try to understand them. Step out of your box for a while ... Find a potential to understand.

Think pink

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote. I’ve exposed my blog page to the ultimate neglect. :)

However, I have an excuse… Actually I have a few of them - I’ve traveled, I’ve met people, I had fun.. I got home, I got sick, I’ve spent hours resting and doctors found out that it was nothing too serious after all ...and now I'm back to being my usual busy self with millions of crazy thoughts running up and down my mind… Anyways, driving on a bumpy road of life (also considering that I am quite an awful driver, like all the women after all :)) , I have to admit that I am a bit exhausted. There is too much going on in my head. Too many dilemmas, and too little time to think. This kind of stuff always hits me in June. Defense mechanism which holds me back from having highly needed full-time concentrated study period. :) My mind just won't let me study. :)

Maja and I at the train station in Sutomore, Montenegro

Anyhow- on my way home from the library today, I ran into my friend Maja. We chatted casually for a few minutes. Actually she chatted and I whined. After I was done whining over my busy, crazy, turbulent life, she gave me a hug and said: “Smile and think pink.” 

Such a simple sentence really improved my mood (Thanks Maja <3). But (as Carrie Bradshaw :) ) I couldn’t help but wonder- how much enthusiasm do you need to have stashed in your backpockets to see pink in a grey, cloudy day (such as this day today) ? Is there even a person in this world who sees life in pink every single day? And if there is such a person, does that person even know what grey is? Standard story- we need to see the bad to recognize the good. Things could probably be as simple as that. And that is what comforts me when I feel like this. 

I guess, there will be numerous moments in life when I’ll catch myself being completely confused, distracted and unable to trap my thoughts and put them into logical sentences and somehow decide to publicly share my illogical senseless thoughts on this blog…. :P There will surely be numerous moments when you won’t know what to do, what path to choose, what to feel and what to choose...And yet I know, we’ll all get out from that mess and find what we need to find… 

Go with the flow. In the world where one is constantly being forced to organize time and set dates in busy planners, we might have forgotten what being spontaneous means.

What I am trying to say is- It is ok to get lost… I guess. It is okay not to know where you are going as long as you are enjoying the ride. Don’t ask too much. 

There are only a few certain answers in life and most of them revolve around the fact that nothing in life is certain. It is okay to be confused. It means that you have a choice. It means that you are yet to find all your ways. 

We should all stop rushing to get to some crazy checkpoint we deliberately created in our minds as some kind of artificial indicator of our personal success....Our greatest achievements aren't hidden at those checkpoints. 

Started watching Japanese cartoons. Disney does not provide me with enough of them. ;)

I doubt that this blog post makes any sense. But still, I hope you'll find something useful in it...:) If there is anything useful at all :)