My mind has been in a chaotic state lately.
Don't worry, I am not cracking up, I have just been so busy that I started to cherish every ounce of free time available.
I remember clearly what a friend of mine told me many years ago when my mom was heavily criticizing me for not tidying up my room. "A tidy room is a reflection of a chaotic mind."
Other then using this quote as a defense guard against the attacks of all the invaders of my creative chaos (aka mom and dad), I never really thought it was true. I was lazy to put everything on its place and honestly, whenever I had free time, I felt like it is so much better to use it on something more productive, like reading, painting, playing basketball, going out etc. That was pretty much it.
However, this morning I woke up and felt completely overwhelmed by all of those things written down in my schedule for today. And suddenly, I felt like cleaning my room. It was chaotic. Just like my mind was. So, I started with making the bed, putting clothes back in the closets, stashing books which were on a pile on the chair, back in the drawers where they actually belong...
Suddenly, what used to feel like nuisance felt like a sedative.
When I was finally done, I sat and wondered: What was it in cleaning that made me feel so at ease? I stared at my perfectly clean room ....And then .....it hit me- what I have been craving for days now is nothing else but- control... A feeling that something I am doing is completely under my control. Dependent upon my will. That I was the one pulling the strings.
Right, control, that's it!
Everything I had planned for today threatened to come with a certain level of uncertainty that it would be unsuccessfully finished, if finished at all. The undefined outcome of what I needed to do today still wasn't changing the fact that things need to be done. And doing something without a clear idea whether it will succeed or not for me was tough to handle. There were too many things that I had out of my control. So what I needed is - control.
That made me think about OCD, a disorder we hear so much about as future psychologists. I remembered that compulsive behaviour that they manifest is also a way to keep things in order. To control. To be in control. If you insist on putting a fork exactly 2 cm away from a plate, it's not like fork is going to stand and oppose to being treated so rigidly. :) So- the whole thing is about control.
Apparently, it is not just those with OCD that have a problem with control.
We run towards certainty in our own individual ways. Someone tides the room, someone jogs, someone draws, someone smokes, someone works. Someone writes blog posts. Someone studies, someone slacks persistently. And we all try to demonstrate to ourselves how IT IS POSSIBLE to have something under control. Consciously or unconsciously.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Funny is how hard it is for us to float in instability.
One of the basic things we have learned in Developmental Psych course is that humans are born with just two basic fears: with a fear of loud noises and a fear of falling. Since the day we are born, we crave to be with both feet on the ground. Physically, but symbolically as well. We need a support from beneath. Something firm enough to stick on, stick to, something that keeps us from falling and getting injured. We crave to posses something that ensures our stability.
Of course, such thing is unattainable in life.
Of course, such thing is unattainable in life.
However, there are two things we can do:
- we can create illusions of order and control, and
- we can let our perception be fooled by them.
After all.... Illusion is the first of all pleasures. :)
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