When the "one you want" becomes the "one you want to be with"

A couple of months ago, I started one of my usual mornings with a cup of coffee and one of the videos from TED (www.ted.com). For some reason, I typed "love" in the "search" box. I thought it would be a nice way to start off a day. I was absently sipping my coffee and looking at the laptop monitor when among search results popped a lecture from Helen Fisher "Why we love, why we cheat?". Intrigued by its title, I instantly knew had to watch it. What was it about? Well, Helen Fisher presented her own findings about three brain centers which regulate the feeling of attachment, romantic love and familiar to everybody, the sex drive. She described attachment as the sense of calm and security you can feel for long term partners; romantic love as the obsession of early love and the sex drive as the intolerable nervous itch. Despite having different functions, they are all connected through the neurotransmitter dopamine. When its level in brain rises during  sexual excitement and orgasms as its culmination, it activates the other two centers- the one of romantic love and attachment. That is why sometimes we can quickly evolve from not feeling anything but excitement towards feeling in love. That's why we sometimes tend to have passion and love all mixed up and impossible to differentiate. Of course, the moment we fall in love with a person, we become very sensitive towards who is he/she being with. It then becomes an intense craving to be with that person, not only sexually but emotionally as well.

Why have I started my blog post by sharing this quite an informative video? :) Well, I was wondering how do we manage to stop that mechanism? Can the "one we want" stay "the one we want" and not the "one we desperately crave to be with"? 

I guess that all of us have at some point crossed the line. And probably, got hurt for the feelings have not been mutual. Is it possible to stay on the surface and never dive in and explore? I am the type of person who always looks for a hint...for a smile, a look, a tender word... anything that could indicate that there might be something more than what a person intentionally tries to show you. A great friend of mine told me not to be afraid to show what I feel as well. "You get what you give", she said. But what if I mess everything up by doing what I feel that I need to do?

We all have our own visions of fairy tales even though it can sometimes seem like some people just aren't capable of creating one of their own. Those people you may identify as cold-blooded, always indifferent towards love who promiscuously experiment as if they never can get emotionally attached to anything but their own impulses and thoughts. The way we construe our fairy tales are, however different.

What I always try to do is to understand the way somebody else construes a fairy tale. Maybe we are both looking for the same present, just put in different boxes and decorated with different bows. Once we unpack what we want, we might figure out what we want from a relationship with that person.

Society puts an enormous pressure on how our relationships should look like. It is, in a way, "normal" to have certain obligations towards the one you are with. It would be weird to talk to someone every day and to have the most amazing conversations, to kiss and hug whenever you see each other (if not even something more), to always look forward to seeing him/her and yet, not to accept being in a relationship with him/her. It is as if  entering relationship meant accepting imprisonment. What became so terrifying about being in a relationship? It is as if we can no longer have fun without that pressure of not knowing where we are going with that kind of a relationship.

What I do agree with though, is that this sort of fun can be a minefield. When someone else takes our place in the life of the person that we used to have fun with and when we start feeling replaced it might be THEN that we'll realize that all we needed was to hold on to that person and don't let her/him go. We'll feel sad, disappointed and hurt.

And we'll realize that there was more to it than just fun. 

Then we will be ready to accept the fear and move on. We'll than realize that we care much more than we fear. 

When it comes to the "one you want", you should ask yourself what is it that you can get from that person? Don't let the dopamine do its thing :) If you see that you are no longer floating on the surface- take a dive of faith :) Explore. Discover. Don't miss the chance.

Thank God that we are so complicated. Otherwise my profession wouldn't make sense.

But sometimes, I wish things were just... simple.

Order. Control. And other illusions.

My mind has been in a chaotic state lately.

Don't worry, I am not cracking up, I have just been so busy that I started to cherish every ounce of free time available. 

I remember clearly what a friend of mine told me many years ago when my mom was heavily criticizing me for not tidying up my room. "A tidy room is a reflection of a chaotic mind."

Other then using this quote as a defense guard against the attacks of all the invaders of my creative chaos (aka mom and dad), I never really thought it was true. I was lazy to put everything on its place and honestly, whenever I had free time, I felt like it is so much better to use it on something more productive, like reading, painting, playing basketball, going out etc. That was pretty much it. 

However, this morning I woke up and felt completely overwhelmed by all of those things written down in my schedule for today. And suddenly, I felt like cleaning my room. It was chaotic. Just like my mind was. So, I started with making the bed, putting clothes back in the closets, stashing books which were on a pile on the chair, back in the drawers where they actually belong... 

Suddenly, what used to feel like nuisance felt like a sedative.

When I was finally done, I sat and wondered: What was it in cleaning that made me feel so at ease? I stared at my perfectly clean room ....And then .....it hit me- what I have been craving for days now is nothing else but- control... A feeling that something I am doing is completely under my control. Dependent upon my will. That I was the one pulling the strings.

  Right, control, that's it!

Everything I had planned for today threatened to come with a certain level of uncertainty that it would be unsuccessfully finished, if finished at all. The undefined outcome of what I needed to do today still wasn't changing the fact that things need to be done. And doing something without a clear idea whether it will succeed or not for me was tough to handle. There were too many things that I had out of my control. So what I needed is - control.

That made me think about OCD, a disorder we hear so much about as future psychologists. I remembered that compulsive behaviour that they manifest is also a way to keep things in order. To control. To be in control. If you insist on putting a fork exactly 2 cm away from a plate, it's not like fork is going to stand and oppose to being treated so rigidly. :) So- the whole thing is about control.

Apparently, it is not just those with OCD that have a problem with control.

We run towards certainty in our own individual ways. Someone tides the room, someone jogs, someone draws, someone smokes, someone works. Someone writes blog posts. Someone studies, someone slacks persistently. And we all try to demonstrate to ourselves how IT IS POSSIBLE to have something under control. Consciously or unconsciously.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Funny is how hard it is for us to float in instability.

One of the basic things we have learned in Developmental Psych course is that humans are born with just  two basic fears: with a fear of loud noises and a fear of falling. Since the day we are born, we crave to be with both feet on the ground. Physically, but symbolically as well. We need a support from beneath. Something firm enough to stick on, stick to, something that keeps us from falling and getting injured. We crave to posses something that ensures our stability.
Of course, such thing is unattainable in life.

However, there are two things we can do: 

1. we can create illusions of order and control, and 
2. we can let our perception be fooled by them.

After all.... Illusion is the first of all pleasures. :)

Stepping into the unknown

If we were to imagine a Break-up as a homicide of something that is (or could be/ could have been) love, I reckon that among the suspects on the list we could find Jealousy, Betrayal, Misunderstandings, Character Difference ... However, if that list was mine, in almost all of the cases, the main suspect would be my construct of a Fairy Tale vs. No relationship at all. 
Like in Jessie J's song, "when I am nervous, I have this thing, I talk too much...", I say all different kinds of  things that scare people away, although my only goal in those conversations I so obsessively insist on, is to be honest, to communicate, to be open and to clarify to myself what other person is thinking in order to prevent further misunderstandings. It surprises me repeatedly  how I, in so many occasions, despite being a future psychologist who talks so much about problems of emotional stability and about being mature enough to endure the difficulties and struggles, go back on my own words and act like a 15-year-old. I don't articulate my thoughts properly, I burst into tears whenever I stumble upon something that might be hard to say. And then I go excusing myself for being emotional, which makes me even more vulnerable. And then I just look plain stupid and childish. I can teach and preach about assertive behavior for hours if you need me to, I can demonstrate it perfectly anytime... except when I really need to be assertive and communicate without ...you know, losing it. :)

But, I am who I am. Goofy and silly. Overly emotional. Many times hurt. With bunch of bruises which you might not see.
Previous relationships affect us, no matter how much we tend to forget about them. They make us more or less tolerant, more prone to reacting negatively, more open or more introverted... they affect us on multiple basis. 

Being a future psychologist isn't helpful. Quite the opposite. We are often pulled into a trap of interpreting what is not even symbolical. We attach meanings to what is meaningless. And then we look like psychos. :) But what I have learned is that it is important to step up and fight for your own feelings. I have learned the tough way that you need to sometimes put yourself first and say what's bothering you before exhausting all of your energy supply. Having experience isn't helpful either. Nobody should endure the consequences of our previous mistakes. We should train ourselves to treat each person with which we are in a relationship as if we were in a relationship for the first time ever. Like we are falling in love for the first time ever. Like we have never been hurt before. We should train ourselves to approach to that person with undivided attention. We should enter every relationship all patched up and healed. That's how it should be.

Getting into a new relationship means giving yourself a permission to feel again. 

I wish there was some kind of insurance policy when stepping into the strange jungle of what might become love. I wish we could go surfing in the unknown, just enjoying the waves, the breeze, the sun, the thrill, without worrying whether some big evil shark will suddenly show itself beneath us... But all I can do is wish, because the whole point of being able to step bravely into the unfamiliar is to accept the fact that being scared is okay, that being vulnerable is okay... That putting your guard down is okay.
We just need to be emotionally mature to know when is the time to do it.
You'll never know what will happen next. Don't be afraid to step into the unknown.

 No regrets. 

No instructions. Just love.

Blame it all on capitalism. 

It has managed to interfere in one sphere of human relationships that I believed it could never interfere. It has transformed the concept of love.

We choose a prospective candidate on the market, we sign the relationship contract and pay a certain arbitrarily set price for it. What do we get from it? An unfinished product that requires a lot of care. And, of course, as every other product it has an expiration date. It is either used up too quickly, or is too fragile that it breaks quickly. To rationalize the fact that we are paying for that kind of uncertainty, we cautiously handle the situation. Professionally, with little or no emotion. 

Relationships nowadays require a manual. Instructions with all of the DOs and DON'Ts. Instructions saying what you are supposed and what you are not supposed to do.

You are not supposed to call him more than once daily. Do not express your emotions.

Do not show jealousy at any cost, he'll think you're a psycho.  Do not call him before he texts you in the morning. " I miss you" notes are strictly forbidden. Keep him at unease. Make sure that he never knows what you are about to do next. Stay untouchable. 

...

I guess playing love games just isn't my thing. It is not that I am not able to play them. Anybody can play them. However, if I start playing them, they just become GAMES with no LOVE. Should we lose love at the cost of playing the game?

Who are we playing for? Who are we playing against?

By playing games, have we managed to lose LOVE? Or have we transformed into something that I no longer recognize as love?  In basketball, many of my coaches insisted on defense as a crucial instance of our game. If love is a game, like basketball, does that mean that our guard needs to always be on set? Love used to be one sphere for me in which I can be vulnerable. In the time when fragility and sensitiveness are not to be used in relationships, when can we let our guards down? When will the constant game one-on-one be over? 

Does dropping the ball end the game or a relationship? 

I find this crap exhausting. Unbearable. As I have said, games aren't really my thing.

Call me silly but I will stick to the construct of love that I already have. 

Unconditional, breathtakingly intense, creatively silly, unbelievably inspiring, authentically beautiful...

I am not giving up on it. Neither should you.

Write your own story. With no manuals. With your heart.

The ones we want to remember us

Birthdays. One's reminder that time does pass indeed, even if we somehow try to sustain its passing.

I am always excited for mine, because I love seeing how many different people, dear and kind to me, remember that date and try to make it special for me. I love reading the inspiring sentences they have put together to express their sincere wishes for what will await for me in the future. 

However, on each birthday, there are a few people (or maybe even just one) whose names you desperately want to see on your laptop screen or your cell phone display. A few days before your birthday you sometimes even create a whole imaginative version of how the one who you've been so passionately desiring, awaiting, craving for, comes back into your life by preparing something breathtakingly romantic for your special day, letting you know how dear you are to his heart. Of course, if those people forget about your special day, despite hundreds of "happy b-day" notes, it seems like nobody has even remembered. 

Memories are tricky. In those moments when we feel fragile, they drag us into their cage and display all of the nice, funny, sad, romantic etc. videos and make you burst into pieces every time. They are vicious. "People change. Memories don't." In that  very sentence is hidden the destructive power of memories. 

I promised myself to delete certain messages right after my birthday, as a personal boycott to my own feelings... As absurd as that sounds. Funny how, when it comes to emotions, we regress to thinking that the erasing the concrete means also erasing the abstract. It is as if, by erasing the messages, I can erase the memory of the one who typed them. 

The trouble is that I feel like I can't, because now when there is no physical presence of him, losing the metaphorical is unbearable. One of the brilliant Serbian poets noticed how women after relationships become like fetishists; they persistently collect every single detail that reminds them of their loved one and stick to them like to the most precious things in their life.

The object of our desires exists firstly in our fantasies. When we catch up to the reality and have our hypothesis overruled by "objective" life struggles, I believe that we still use that imaginative aspect to make up to our heart for all the pain that we endure. We imagine, we dream, we create our own little story apart from the reality as a hide-out in case this hack of a life causes us more pain. I am not referring to the world of potential paranoid. I am talking about the magic of our imagination. At least about those of us who never stop using it.

I admit it- I overuse it. That's why my friends often accuse me of acting childish. 

Well, this birthday, I deleted all of the messages. I made myself delete them. 

I decided to move on. To find something new. To embrace the fact that people change and to fully accept the chance that I can change as well. 

Don't let anyone ruin your special day. Ever.

For all the romantic fools

Yes. Everybody has that certain someone who knows how to triggers the deepest feelings of both happiness and sorrow. No matter how long it has passed, or how short you have been separated....no matter how many miles are between you or how often you get to see each other, that one person never ceases to be the "special someone". There is always that someone who wakes up your butterflies when he smiles. Just like that, for no special reason.

Well, I am writing this post because I am kind of sick of that feeling and I need to erase it somehow.

Here is why.

I am a helpless romantic who believes that the impossible can have it's prefix removed. :) I believe that believing is the key itself. So what I am trying to say is that - I am in a constant quest for love.

If you wish to fight, fights will come to you unquestionably more often than to those people who stay in the corner and keep quiet, right? Logically, yes.

So what happens? I bump into the wrong ones all the time. Now, it would be a problem if I knew that they are the wrong ones from the very start (or if I at least started off cautiously) , the problem is- I start with a conviction that "this could be it". And, (since I am here writing about this, quite obviously -> ) I make a complete fool out of myself. Even worse, I get heartbroken and I get hurt badly. 

I believe in words like "forever", "true love", "unbreakable bonds" and I don't say those words unless I really mean them. However, many say those words without actually realizing what they are saying. So the truth ends up to be that once you stop being with  that someone (who seems that has quite casually dropped those words because he felt bored :/ ), in most cases he forgets about you. The fact that you are still rigidly holding to the past and to the lost words and promises, is just plain stupid.

If he was that special someone, if he is that special someone- he wouldn't have let you go without fighting for you. You would have been that special someone for him as well. You wouldn't have stopped being special for him. Ever.

Some people can easily be replaced. That is something I need to start believing in. Because I believe that each and every person is one and only one, unique and irreplaceable. Every person leaves traces that are not  erasable. And it hurts to keep believing in that.

I remember when a good friend of mine told me that believing in one, true, eternal love is like believing in Santa. True, I don't believe in Santa. But I believe in fairy tales. (That is similar to believing in Santa, right?) And I am not ready to give up on them. And I am not ready to give up on love. I will NEVER be.

But,

if you are reading this,

and you too have been hurt so many times,

just try to hold back your feelings a bit more.

That's what I am promising myself to do.

Save your feelings for those who really deserve it. Find a princess you are within and find someone who will treat you like a princess. And then, treat that one like a prince. Because he'll deserve it.

Finding the kid you are within

I remember being determined to write regularly. However, I stumble often on my way to keeping my own promise because no matter what I say, somehow, something more important than writing always comes up.

I had a wonderful summer, for instance.

This much needed summer was like, everything else beautiful in life- quite fleeting. Nevertheless, I remember that I really forgot to whine over how fast it is passing, or how many things I will have to wrap up once I am back home. I just let myself go with a flow. I guess that is why it was so beautiful. I was 100% me with a chance of becoming even a happier person. :)

this is how I felt this summer :)

I bought this bookmark at the beginning of s this ummer, on which there is a quote "Growing OLD is inevitable. Growing UP is optional." That quote being my motto, I decided to find enough time to be a goof. And I did :)

So- what I realized is - we just do not have enough time to be kids. And when we do get time to be kids, we still sometimes decide to act like grown-ups. I was privileged to spend my summer vacation in Greece with a person who lets me be myself to the fullest extent- with a person who accepts me for who I am. It is difficult to find a person like that, because it seems to me that people are always burdened with what they think is right or wrong, that they can not easily accept the differences and enjoy somebody being different from them.

Remember the time when we thought everything was possible? A grown-up will make up thousands of reasons why something cannot be done. A kid will give you just as many reasons how to do it. Surely, many would now say- but the grown-up is right- He knows much more and can objectively evaluate possibilities therefore giving the right conclusion. Chances of becoming an astronaut are minimal. But the point is- a kid will believe that becoming something against the odds is possible.

As I was staring at the sea, sipping out my cold frappe and thinking about how nostalgic I am about the period when I was just a kid, I remembered my dear teacher who told me once that the only reasons we crave so much to return to the childhood is the fact that it is over and that the time is irreversible.
However, the remains of that careless period of our lives are still inside of us. We just have to be great psycho-archaeologists to find them. Unlike fossils, those remains can be revived.
We are inevitably pressured by various obligations on daily basis. We are forced to think like computers, carefully planning our steps if we want to ensure our economical stability, our financial independence. But I don't think that losing the kid you are inside is worth it.
Maybe this blog post of mine is crappy if you have been unfortunate when you were a kid. If you have been misunderstood, if you have suffered and were pressured... Adulthood was then something that you have been expecting joyously . But even if it is so, you cannot deny that the kid you were believed that things can always be better and that the happiness lies somewhere close, waiting to be reached.

“Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics.” - Stephen King

That positive, crazy thinking is what we often miss. I have heard countless times that it is better to start with a pessimistic attitude, because if you fail, you will be OK- you have expected to fail afterall, right?
I keep passing these tips on how to be positive, how to wake up the kid you are inside- that creative little child who never gives up on his dreams, but the truth is that even I find myself many times hushing him up, telling him to stay quiet because this is a grown-up world.

“Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Don't underestimate people who despite their intelligence, many virtues, admiring academical skills know how to goof off, how to burst out laughing, make fools of themselves etc. They are not like that despite that, but in Addition to that.

“Children see magic because they look for it.”- Christopher Moore

Always look for the magic, and you'll always end up seeing it. Enjoy life.

Processing the sadness

This is one of those nights when you can feel the tiredness invading your whole body and yet, there is no chance that you can fall asleep. Herman Hesse, one of my favorite writers says that nights like this one should be cherished. One who has never spent a night awake in thoughts, filled up with sweet sorrow, has never truly felt anything deep enough. 

In my attempt to cherish this night without letting my spirit crush and bursting into tears (because my defense mechanisms depart to some other unknown place after 1 am) I figured out that the most constructive thing would be to write a new post.

I bet you have had nights like this one too. I decided to write because I "accidentally" bump into the saddest songs on YouTube or end up choking from sadness while reading lines of  some book I'm reading. I am trying to process all of the sad emotions and guide them safely to the exit. Life is to short to be sad, right?

A great friend of mine told me not to run way from my emotions. She told me to feel free to express them. I somehow find it easier to put them aside and do some other things, such as planning projects, studying Greek, playing basketball...anything. Just not that one scary thing that needs to be done: introspection. 

For me- the very process of expressing them is hurtful beyond the imaginable extent.

This is one of those blog posts with no precise topic or function. I cannot even say that it is an attempt to create something original, artistic...Catharsis. Nothing more. But as it is the case with every other sort of cleaning, in this way too, I can't run away from the fact that the dust keeps falling again and again... Cleaning should be a repetitive process. And I never really liked cleaning. I do not like to process. I like to get over and move on.

Robert Frost says : "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

It truly does. The question is, how does it go on? Are there things that we can never ever get over? I am not trying to be pathetic.. I am just wondering. This is not the first time I had such nights...Of course I  had nights like this before... And I reminiscence being even much sadder and thinking how I was never going to find a way to be better, but somehow it turned out to be completely different. Universe has its own crazy ways. I read somewhere recently that we need to get used to not finding signs on life's most important crossroads. Everything will come to its place in due time. I just need to convince myself that I really believe in that. 

There are so many things left unsaid. 

So many things left undone. 

So many moments unfulfilled. 

So many places left unseen. 

So much of us left behind. 

And so much of us lost in fear.

Anticipation. I wish we all had a permanent prospective memory disorder and that we were programmed to think only about the moments happening now. I wish we couldn't anticipate the future. 

We wouldn't run away. We wouldn't let the fear interfere.

There are some things I can't change. I gotta learn to let go.

Sometimes one just needs to accept being sad as a healthy thing and let the time do its own thing. 

Process the sadness. 

Finding a way or finding an excuse

Some things aren't meant to happen. 

That's why it is so frustrating to keep believing they can still make it against all the odds. 

However, even those things that aren't meant to happen end up happening sometimes, right?
If we are told that something isn't meant to happen, that does not necessarily mean that there is no chance it will happen ..., right? 

So, there are chances that the whole thing about "things that aren't meant to happen" may actually be about our persistence to make things happen ...Am I right...? Or am I wrong...? So confusing. :) So confused.

Anyhow, I was wondering...

How do we know that something isn't meant to happen? Is that to be judged based on how many obstacles we need to overcome on our way to the point that we marked as our destination...? Or do we figure out that something is not meant to be based on how much luck we have on our road to seeing something happen? If you constantly fail, if you are constantly interrupted by something or someone, does that mean that something just isn't "meant to be" despite all your sincere efforts? Failing and rising....Saving up strength, then wasting it.... Ups and downs....And trying over and over again.... How do we know that we should give up on something? How can we be sure that we are right to give up?
Should we do a cost-benefit analysis? I mean - sure, if it is an financial decision :) ... But what is it if it's about relationships (our friends, families, partners...) ? What is use of cost-benefit analysis then?

I was studying Career Management this semester, and one of the things that really made an impact of me was the quote of Donald Super (famous psychologist, creator of one of the most influential theories of career development) which said that when there is enough knowledge, there is no such thing as a coincidence. Basically, most of the things we are involved into are the consequences of our own choices. Persons we chose to be with, fields that we determine to study, etc.

I despise thinking that everything about us and around is determined. I believe that we are the ones choosing what will happen next in most of the cases. Sure, there are some things we can't control...We do not know whether we'll get struck by lightening or hit by a car; whether we'll end up ill (although we can partly affect that as well)... we can't choose a country in which we are born and raised, we cannot choose who are our parents, brothers or sisters etc. However, at many life's crossroads, in most cases, we are the ones determining which path we're choosing. And if we know where we're going determined that we want to get there, who the hell is "Destiny" to tell us that something cannot be done?? 

Disney movie - Mulan. Inspiring in so many ways.

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

The most important question is, however- is someone or something worth of all the effort and persistence... Is it reasonable to sacrifice your own energy, your own time and effort to achieve what you have intended? If you are going against all the odds, you should be damn right certain what are the reasons for doing all of that... It is those reasons that are necessary for determination to be strong. 

In the end, you are the one responsible for the steps you are taking. You are the one who needs to handle the difficulties and the weight of your choice, the consequences that can be quite rough sometimes and to bear in mind that chances are that you might not succeed. Determined, but aware of the possible outcome. With big dreams, but realistic. 

In the end, it is up to us. Fight or flight. Basic principle applicable to any life situation. It's about what we are ready to undergo. It is about our will to keep on. It is up to us how much of something we are ready to take. A friend of mine told me recently: "Who is willing to find a way, ends up finding it. Who isn't - ends up finding an excuse for running away." 

There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it's easy.

Running away is easy. If you care for something, fight for it. 

Words left unsaid

One of the things I have learned through the basic course of psychotherapy, is that sometimes what is left unsaid by our patient is far more important than what he has said. When you analyze his written self-description it is quite often that what he neglects to mention is what is actually crucial. We usually speak about things that we are comfortable speaking about, but the things we are feeling insecure about, things that seriously bother us, things that are hard to express and that are really significant to us are far more difficult to speak about.

I was thinking about this the other day....and what I figured out is that sometimes in our relationships through life (and I don't necessarily mean romantic relationships only, but rather any kind of relationship...) things that hurt the most aren't the things that are said, but the things that have not be said when we needed them to be said. What is kept in silence can wound us more than any insult or painful truth. Things that we are missing to hear are sometimes things that are crucial for us. Like in psychotherapy, sometimes what is not said is more important than what is said. Sometimes, it is easier for us to say words in anger than to say things out of love to the person we care about. 

I bet that if we suddenly found out that the world shall reach its end tomorrow and we wouldn't have any chance to see people that we care about ever again, internet, post offices, phone lines would all be crowded with all of the words we missed out saying while we could... Millions and millions of messages saying "I miss you", "I love you", "Thank you for everything...", "You mean so much to me".... because so many of us have probably failed in saying those when we actually had a chance.... 

I guess that it seems justified to assume that words mean nothing if there are no acts to follow them. But I'd say that although words are empty if there are no actions, actions without words (at least for me) seem sometimes insufficient (I say sometimes, because there are some actions along which words seem rather redundant). Those two need to be combined. A cake would taste just as good, just as sweet, even if it didn't have the icing... Still- there is a reason that we put icing on the top. Without icing, it seems like the cake is unfinished, incomplete. That's how I feel when there are no words. True- if it is a crappy cake, no icing would do any good- even if it was made by Cake Boss himself :) But if the cake is good- icing makes it better. :)

One of the things that differs us from animals is symbolical function; an ability to abstract the meaning and express it through words. We are the only privileged living beings on this planet who have such an amazing opportunity to express their feelings and emotions through words.

Why should we miss out an opportunity to use words to say to someone precious to us how deeply we care? 

No day is better than today when it comes to saying something nice to the person you care about. Don't miss an opportunity. If you have kept something silent and you feel is important, do not miss out on saying it loud. Chances are easily missed. And once they are missed, they do not pop up on your road just like that again. 

Make sure you say things that you need to say. 

Make sure that you do not regret missing out on saying things that should be said.

Being a psychologist

I started my first year of high school, absolutely sure that I want to be an architect. During my second year as an exchange student in the States I was debating whether I should end up majoring Italian or English language. In my third year of high school, I started thinking it would be quite cool if I studied Astrophysics. Well, it was quite logical that in the end, I ended up in an endless mess that Psychology has to offer. :)

It is often said that there are two types of people who take a psychology major. The first one are those who study it because they want to cure the others. The second one are those who want to cure themselves. Well, either way, we choose this major for a noble purpose :)

Also, there are two types of reactions to the fact that someone studies Psychology.

The first one is usually like this: "Oh wow, that's awesome!" 

The other one is usually this one : "Why study that crap? You should study something serious- like medicine ...or economics, for instance!"

I remember my professor of History of Psychology saying that one way or another, no one remains indifferent to psychology. 

The truth is, in today's modern world, psychologists have taken multiple identities: 

They are psychics, they can predict the future and tell you all about yourself (most frequent questions are:  " (Now that you've known me for just a few seconds) What is it that you can tell me about myself?" )... and yes, they are telepathic as well ( "So, what am I thinking right now?"); They are doctors, they cure (they can always figure out what is wrong with you) ; They are experimenters ( ...they tie people to chairs and experiment with electroshocks) ; They are animal whisperers ( they can tell you whether your cat loves you or not ); And they are so many other things.... The point is - their role in this world adjusts to people's views on their profession. In fact, they can be everything you want them to be. :)

Funny thing though, is that the only thing psychologists can surely do all the way right is predicting that nothing is utterly predictable. :) 

We are taught that we cannot really be psychologists if we do not know statistics. It is often said that what our purpose is, is explaining the variance. Variance is actually a measure of variability. Our aim is to explain the existing variability of many different things. However, I have never heard that it has ever been registered that some variable or a set of variables can explain 100% of variance of some other variable.(Dear colleagues, please correct me if I am wrong :) ) So- to sum up- you can never explain anything completely :) 

So what is the use of psychology if it cannot explain things completely or predict with a flawless accuracy? Well, I have been studying psychology for three years now, and I am only on the doorstep of discovering so many possible uses of it. Psychology necessarily interferes all aspects of human existence - therefore it's power is very big. At least- that's what I like to think :) I like to think that our work makes a better place out of this world.... :)

I also believe that I have grown as a person by studying psychology. I believe that I have started being more open to others' experiences, that I have unleashed the potential of understanding others and subsuming their ways of thinking...

I think that it is essential to be open-minded to study psychology. If you are capable of looking in one direction only, it is guaranteed that you cannot be a psychologist (or you can be a very bad one... in my opinion, at least)

Why have I started writing about this? It is because I think that psychology has been highly underestimated, and because I have met many people who look at psychology as an inferior to other sciences. I know that I do not have an ability to change people's opinions, nor am I trying to do that by writing this... I just wanted to state that I believe that it has much more potential than people believe it has... :) And that studying it is a privilege.

I have found this cool set of reason why to date a psychologist that I needed to share here: :)

1. We always guess what you want for your birthday without asking explicitly.

2- We can read body language.

3- We can guess when when someone is lying to you (unless the other person is a pscyhologist as well)

4- You can always talk about sex with us; we are used to it.

5- Psychologists are legends, the others are just statistics.

6- Want to have a healthy family? Marry a psychologist.

7-Psychologists are good cookers; we know how to make vegetables happy.

8- It doesn't matter how much alcohol a psychologist has drunk, he/she is always sober. A psychologist knows how to adapt to the sudden modification of the social context (and the visual modification). 

9- A psychologist never argues or fights. He/she just conducts a participant or non-participant observation...

... And I guess there are many more :) ;) 

And here are some funny psychology pics for the end :) Have a laugh :) 

:))))))))) 

Rights and wrongs

It is not rare that the things for which we thought were unquestionably good turn out to be bad and vice versa.  So, I was wondering, how does it happen that our own perceptions can make us look like idiots? Or is it our mind that twists the perceptions on purpose just to satisfy its own needs (of which existence we sometimes aren’t even aware of) ?

I find it really annoying when people start criticizing me for being “too blind to see the obvious reality” or for being "unable to recognize what's right and what's wrong" (no matter what situation it is). Come on! Sometimes I feel that there is no such thing as  a distinction between wrongs and rights; what we define as good and bad depends merely on how we choose to see things that we are surrounded by. There is no such thing as definite reality and definite truth. Somehow, I am learning to be deaf to these lame categorizations … One cannot exclude himself from the picture that he's observing- so whoever tells you that there is such thing as an “objective approach/ point of view” is talking in oxymorons. If something is an approach or point of view- it is with no further doubt necessarily subjective.

If you actually come to think about the definitions of truth or reality and look up for their definitions online- you'll find that there are many. Even the definitions aren't definite.

So- who are we to label and judge others? Who are we to judge whether someone's wrong or right? 

My wrongs are sometimes someone’s rights; your rights can be my wrongs. Wrongs and rights differ from one culture to another, from one life philosophy to another; from one point in time to another... Bottom line- wrongs and rights are different for different persons, in different times, in different surroundings...

My advice in this post to all of those who have not given up reading by this paragraph :) is: DO NOT ASK FOR ADVICES and DO NOT GIVE ADVICES J All the answers are in yourself. Think with your own head.

I know that I’d never take back some of the stupid things I have done. Yes, they all had their price tags and some of them have been quite expensive to pay :), almost too expensive to handle. But they have made me a person I am today. And though I have many things I’d wish to improve, I like the person I am today. J No regrets. 

I doubt that this will be an eye opening blog post :) But I hope that it will get you to think about these things if you haven't been thinking about them before.... :) 

Do not judge people for their actions so quickly. Try to understand them. Understanding and acceptance does not have to mean that you are approving of something... You do not have to excuse someone's actions in order to try to understand them. Step out of your box for a while ... Find a potential to understand.

Think pink

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote. I’ve exposed my blog page to the ultimate neglect. :)

However, I have an excuse… Actually I have a few of them - I’ve traveled, I’ve met people, I had fun.. I got home, I got sick, I’ve spent hours resting and doctors found out that it was nothing too serious after all ...and now I'm back to being my usual busy self with millions of crazy thoughts running up and down my mind… Anyways, driving on a bumpy road of life (also considering that I am quite an awful driver, like all the women after all :)) , I have to admit that I am a bit exhausted. There is too much going on in my head. Too many dilemmas, and too little time to think. This kind of stuff always hits me in June. Defense mechanism which holds me back from having highly needed full-time concentrated study period. :) My mind just won't let me study. :)

Maja and I at the train station in Sutomore, Montenegro

Anyhow- on my way home from the library today, I ran into my friend Maja. We chatted casually for a few minutes. Actually she chatted and I whined. After I was done whining over my busy, crazy, turbulent life, she gave me a hug and said: “Smile and think pink.” 

Such a simple sentence really improved my mood (Thanks Maja <3). But (as Carrie Bradshaw :) ) I couldn’t help but wonder- how much enthusiasm do you need to have stashed in your backpockets to see pink in a grey, cloudy day (such as this day today) ? Is there even a person in this world who sees life in pink every single day? And if there is such a person, does that person even know what grey is? Standard story- we need to see the bad to recognize the good. Things could probably be as simple as that. And that is what comforts me when I feel like this. 

I guess, there will be numerous moments in life when I’ll catch myself being completely confused, distracted and unable to trap my thoughts and put them into logical sentences and somehow decide to publicly share my illogical senseless thoughts on this blog…. :P There will surely be numerous moments when you won’t know what to do, what path to choose, what to feel and what to choose...And yet I know, we’ll all get out from that mess and find what we need to find… 

Go with the flow. In the world where one is constantly being forced to organize time and set dates in busy planners, we might have forgotten what being spontaneous means.

What I am trying to say is- It is ok to get lost… I guess. It is okay not to know where you are going as long as you are enjoying the ride. Don’t ask too much. 

There are only a few certain answers in life and most of them revolve around the fact that nothing in life is certain. It is okay to be confused. It means that you have a choice. It means that you are yet to find all your ways. 

We should all stop rushing to get to some crazy checkpoint we deliberately created in our minds as some kind of artificial indicator of our personal success....Our greatest achievements aren't hidden at those checkpoints. 

Started watching Japanese cartoons. Disney does not provide me with enough of them. ;)

I doubt that this blog post makes any sense. But still, I hope you'll find something useful in it...:) If there is anything useful at all :)

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, we go. (Henry Austin Dobson)

Time. Inevitable fact of our existence, no matter how we define it. One of the things that we continually strive to precisely define and which in the end, only gets to define us. 

No matter which philosophical school we'll in the end support (the one that considers time to be part of the structure of our universe, a dimension which has its sequences in which it places events, or the other that defines this complex term as a fundamental intellectual structure (along with space and number) where time isn't a thing or event, and therefore cannot be measured....) we cannot avoid the fact that "time" lies right underneath the core of our existence. If you start thinking about it more deeply, you will with no doubt, get to the point of realizing that this life cannot be imagined without its time frame. All our beginnings and ends are defined by this exquisite paradigmatic term. 

I started thinking about time while standing in a long line at the supermarket the other day... Very soon after the waiting was finished, I found myself riding on the bus towards my Faculty... and then it hit me - I spend at least 40 minutes daily riding by bus ! (unless I stay home, of course)... So, when you sum up just the time you spend in the public transportation and time spent in standing in the lines, you will come to terrifying conclusions... I won't even mention hours I spend sleeping in late in the mornings, thinking how crazy is to get up early every day... There is always another day for waking up early, right?...  

Life is mostly spent in ridiculous time-consuming activities which we rarely even register at our list of activities... to the most precious things in our lives, we actually dedicate very little time... Howcome we barely even think about that? It seems to me like we are all going to wake up from this long-lasting hibernation at one point in life and realize that years are passing by and we have missed to do so much? We should be more careful how we spend our minutes...It seems like they are repeating one after another, but in fact not one minute is ever repeated. Once it passes, it will never come back to you... Use your time wisely...

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -

Steve Jobs

Be yourself. It sounds like such a cliche, but in fact, it is one of the most important messages in life. Follow your heart, not your planner... Your planner and schedule are Time's slaves... They are there to serve to it. But your heart...Your heart is there to serve to you and to the people you care about... We are temporary beings with the expiration date, with a chance to extend our existence through the people we love and things we do...
Living forever would be like not living at all... It is good that our time is limited, because that makes us see life as more delicate ... It is just bad if we find out late that we naively thought that this life could last forever and that life after all does have a limit...
Bear in mind that moments are truly fleeting. That time passes... That it passes with no chance of reversing.
...and then- find enough time to be happy.

 

Another cheesy blog post about being in love :)

I know that blog posts are supposed to be published regularly... However, it seems to me that inspiration does not come to you when you want it and just because you need to finish your new blog post, but comes to you when you are in the middle of thousand exams and your brain requires thinking about something else rather than studying :) :D Anyhow...

...These days, I am being lucky enough, to be directly connected to the very source of most of the inspiration in this world, and that is the state of being in love. (And it is the very middle of the exam period. So.... I am practically persuaded to write ) :) 

It is funny how, when you are not possessed by this wild blind spirit that we tend to simply call "love", you can think of anything interesting to write about... but once you are in love, that special person of yours is only thing you can think about. I wake up in the morning joyous, and whatever I plan to do during the day is instantly beautified, way in advance just because i feel that I have been given the wings, power, strength, magical wand to do whatever i want to do :) I have that cute pair of green eyes to think about, and whatever I do, it seems that the pure thought of them casts a spell on me in such a way that makes me fall in love with the rest of the world as well. 

And, at the risk of sounding completely annoying to all of those who are struggling through some kind of tough emotional period, I will once again write about the beauty of believing in it. :)

The truth is, one can never know how temporary this manic state of love can be, because it tends to come and go...(unless is what we so often call "real", "right", but no one can really define those adjectives... ) ...So many times we think that we have found what's right, and it turns out to be a thousand times more wrong than right... Although sometimes love ends abruptly and brings pain and anger, I think that no love (except destructive psychotic love, with which one loves itself and its fantasies and not the other person) can be wrong. Every love is right once it happens. 

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it its meaning.

I cannot pretend to know more about love than others and therefore by that justify my need to write so much about it. I can just write about what I think love is and inspire others to open eyes widely, for it comes in the most unexpected shapes and sizes. We often think that we must seek for a very long time to find the most beautiful things. We must seek, that is true, but seeking doesn't necessarily mean going across the seas, to different countries... What you are seeking for can sometimes be right in front of your eyes and you will miss it. 

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” - Johnny Depp

If you are lucky enough to have love in your life, treasure it, keep it safe and unconditional, give without reservation and make it the most perfect imperfect thing in the world. There is no such thing as love on teaspoons. There are no calculations in love. And there surely aren't any guidance books about relationships, and there certainly aren't any about love. The only guidance you need is inside you.

It is scary to fall in love. There is one good quote I found that wraps up the core of our fear.

 “We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.”

Love comes with the odds you'll get hurt. But as every good thing in life it comes with a risk. Once you will find that one person that will never break your heart.

If you have not yet found someone to love, even for a while, then just be patient. Love comes to those who believe in it. Trust me. That thing I know. :) Because, who are we without love? 

"Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely." -Laurence Marks

Best things happen to us when we least expect them. Just like that, out of the blue. Great things are rarely planned... Unless they are a trip to Hawaii or Disneyland :) 

Other than that, once you are free of expectations, once you are open-minded and emotionally ready, your heart will find a way. "True lovers do not just meet somewhere, they exist in each other all along". Everybody deserves that special someone, and has that special someone somewhere in the world waiting to be found and to find... 

Finding that special someone starts from finding yourself. Once you figure out who do you want to be, what do you want to do and find a way to search for happiness inside of you rather than finding someone else to be your only source of positive energy, you will be ready to have someone of yours... for love isn't finding someone to carry you on the path of life, but to stand by you and hold your hand. 

Just believe and never stop searching. And just like that, you will find that cute pair of eyes, just for you, in which you feel you can melt ...Eyes, for which time stops.  Just believe.