Finding a way or finding an excuse

Some things aren't meant to happen. 

That's why it is so frustrating to keep believing they can still make it against all the odds. 

However, even those things that aren't meant to happen end up happening sometimes, right?
If we are told that something isn't meant to happen, that does not necessarily mean that there is no chance it will happen ..., right? 

So, there are chances that the whole thing about "things that aren't meant to happen" may actually be about our persistence to make things happen ...Am I right...? Or am I wrong...? So confusing. :) So confused.

Anyhow, I was wondering...

How do we know that something isn't meant to happen? Is that to be judged based on how many obstacles we need to overcome on our way to the point that we marked as our destination...? Or do we figure out that something is not meant to be based on how much luck we have on our road to seeing something happen? If you constantly fail, if you are constantly interrupted by something or someone, does that mean that something just isn't "meant to be" despite all your sincere efforts? Failing and rising....Saving up strength, then wasting it.... Ups and downs....And trying over and over again.... How do we know that we should give up on something? How can we be sure that we are right to give up?
Should we do a cost-benefit analysis? I mean - sure, if it is an financial decision :) ... But what is it if it's about relationships (our friends, families, partners...) ? What is use of cost-benefit analysis then?

I was studying Career Management this semester, and one of the things that really made an impact of me was the quote of Donald Super (famous psychologist, creator of one of the most influential theories of career development) which said that when there is enough knowledge, there is no such thing as a coincidence. Basically, most of the things we are involved into are the consequences of our own choices. Persons we chose to be with, fields that we determine to study, etc.

I despise thinking that everything about us and around is determined. I believe that we are the ones choosing what will happen next in most of the cases. Sure, there are some things we can't control...We do not know whether we'll get struck by lightening or hit by a car; whether we'll end up ill (although we can partly affect that as well)... we can't choose a country in which we are born and raised, we cannot choose who are our parents, brothers or sisters etc. However, at many life's crossroads, in most cases, we are the ones determining which path we're choosing. And if we know where we're going determined that we want to get there, who the hell is "Destiny" to tell us that something cannot be done?? 

Disney movie - Mulan. Inspiring in so many ways.

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

The most important question is, however- is someone or something worth of all the effort and persistence... Is it reasonable to sacrifice your own energy, your own time and effort to achieve what you have intended? If you are going against all the odds, you should be damn right certain what are the reasons for doing all of that... It is those reasons that are necessary for determination to be strong. 

In the end, you are the one responsible for the steps you are taking. You are the one who needs to handle the difficulties and the weight of your choice, the consequences that can be quite rough sometimes and to bear in mind that chances are that you might not succeed. Determined, but aware of the possible outcome. With big dreams, but realistic. 

In the end, it is up to us. Fight or flight. Basic principle applicable to any life situation. It's about what we are ready to undergo. It is about our will to keep on. It is up to us how much of something we are ready to take. A friend of mine told me recently: "Who is willing to find a way, ends up finding it. Who isn't - ends up finding an excuse for running away." 

There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it's easy.

Running away is easy. If you care for something, fight for it. 

Words left unsaid

One of the things I have learned through the basic course of psychotherapy, is that sometimes what is left unsaid by our patient is far more important than what he has said. When you analyze his written self-description it is quite often that what he neglects to mention is what is actually crucial. We usually speak about things that we are comfortable speaking about, but the things we are feeling insecure about, things that seriously bother us, things that are hard to express and that are really significant to us are far more difficult to speak about.

I was thinking about this the other day....and what I figured out is that sometimes in our relationships through life (and I don't necessarily mean romantic relationships only, but rather any kind of relationship...) things that hurt the most aren't the things that are said, but the things that have not be said when we needed them to be said. What is kept in silence can wound us more than any insult or painful truth. Things that we are missing to hear are sometimes things that are crucial for us. Like in psychotherapy, sometimes what is not said is more important than what is said. Sometimes, it is easier for us to say words in anger than to say things out of love to the person we care about. 

I bet that if we suddenly found out that the world shall reach its end tomorrow and we wouldn't have any chance to see people that we care about ever again, internet, post offices, phone lines would all be crowded with all of the words we missed out saying while we could... Millions and millions of messages saying "I miss you", "I love you", "Thank you for everything...", "You mean so much to me".... because so many of us have probably failed in saying those when we actually had a chance.... 

I guess that it seems justified to assume that words mean nothing if there are no acts to follow them. But I'd say that although words are empty if there are no actions, actions without words (at least for me) seem sometimes insufficient (I say sometimes, because there are some actions along which words seem rather redundant). Those two need to be combined. A cake would taste just as good, just as sweet, even if it didn't have the icing... Still- there is a reason that we put icing on the top. Without icing, it seems like the cake is unfinished, incomplete. That's how I feel when there are no words. True- if it is a crappy cake, no icing would do any good- even if it was made by Cake Boss himself :) But if the cake is good- icing makes it better. :)

One of the things that differs us from animals is symbolical function; an ability to abstract the meaning and express it through words. We are the only privileged living beings on this planet who have such an amazing opportunity to express their feelings and emotions through words.

Why should we miss out an opportunity to use words to say to someone precious to us how deeply we care? 

No day is better than today when it comes to saying something nice to the person you care about. Don't miss an opportunity. If you have kept something silent and you feel is important, do not miss out on saying it loud. Chances are easily missed. And once they are missed, they do not pop up on your road just like that again. 

Make sure you say things that you need to say. 

Make sure that you do not regret missing out on saying things that should be said.

Being a psychologist

I started my first year of high school, absolutely sure that I want to be an architect. During my second year as an exchange student in the States I was debating whether I should end up majoring Italian or English language. In my third year of high school, I started thinking it would be quite cool if I studied Astrophysics. Well, it was quite logical that in the end, I ended up in an endless mess that Psychology has to offer. :)

It is often said that there are two types of people who take a psychology major. The first one are those who study it because they want to cure the others. The second one are those who want to cure themselves. Well, either way, we choose this major for a noble purpose :)

Also, there are two types of reactions to the fact that someone studies Psychology.

The first one is usually like this: "Oh wow, that's awesome!" 

The other one is usually this one : "Why study that crap? You should study something serious- like medicine ...or economics, for instance!"

I remember my professor of History of Psychology saying that one way or another, no one remains indifferent to psychology. 

The truth is, in today's modern world, psychologists have taken multiple identities: 

They are psychics, they can predict the future and tell you all about yourself (most frequent questions are:  " (Now that you've known me for just a few seconds) What is it that you can tell me about myself?" )... and yes, they are telepathic as well ( "So, what am I thinking right now?"); They are doctors, they cure (they can always figure out what is wrong with you) ; They are experimenters ( ...they tie people to chairs and experiment with electroshocks) ; They are animal whisperers ( they can tell you whether your cat loves you or not ); And they are so many other things.... The point is - their role in this world adjusts to people's views on their profession. In fact, they can be everything you want them to be. :)

Funny thing though, is that the only thing psychologists can surely do all the way right is predicting that nothing is utterly predictable. :) 

We are taught that we cannot really be psychologists if we do not know statistics. It is often said that what our purpose is, is explaining the variance. Variance is actually a measure of variability. Our aim is to explain the existing variability of many different things. However, I have never heard that it has ever been registered that some variable or a set of variables can explain 100% of variance of some other variable.(Dear colleagues, please correct me if I am wrong :) ) So- to sum up- you can never explain anything completely :) 

So what is the use of psychology if it cannot explain things completely or predict with a flawless accuracy? Well, I have been studying psychology for three years now, and I am only on the doorstep of discovering so many possible uses of it. Psychology necessarily interferes all aspects of human existence - therefore it's power is very big. At least- that's what I like to think :) I like to think that our work makes a better place out of this world.... :)

I also believe that I have grown as a person by studying psychology. I believe that I have started being more open to others' experiences, that I have unleashed the potential of understanding others and subsuming their ways of thinking...

I think that it is essential to be open-minded to study psychology. If you are capable of looking in one direction only, it is guaranteed that you cannot be a psychologist (or you can be a very bad one... in my opinion, at least)

Why have I started writing about this? It is because I think that psychology has been highly underestimated, and because I have met many people who look at psychology as an inferior to other sciences. I know that I do not have an ability to change people's opinions, nor am I trying to do that by writing this... I just wanted to state that I believe that it has much more potential than people believe it has... :) And that studying it is a privilege.

I have found this cool set of reason why to date a psychologist that I needed to share here: :)

1. We always guess what you want for your birthday without asking explicitly.

2- We can read body language.

3- We can guess when when someone is lying to you (unless the other person is a pscyhologist as well)

4- You can always talk about sex with us; we are used to it.

5- Psychologists are legends, the others are just statistics.

6- Want to have a healthy family? Marry a psychologist.

7-Psychologists are good cookers; we know how to make vegetables happy.

8- It doesn't matter how much alcohol a psychologist has drunk, he/she is always sober. A psychologist knows how to adapt to the sudden modification of the social context (and the visual modification). 

9- A psychologist never argues or fights. He/she just conducts a participant or non-participant observation...

... And I guess there are many more :) ;) 

And here are some funny psychology pics for the end :) Have a laugh :) 

:))))))))) 

Rights and wrongs

It is not rare that the things for which we thought were unquestionably good turn out to be bad and vice versa.  So, I was wondering, how does it happen that our own perceptions can make us look like idiots? Or is it our mind that twists the perceptions on purpose just to satisfy its own needs (of which existence we sometimes aren’t even aware of) ?

I find it really annoying when people start criticizing me for being “too blind to see the obvious reality” or for being "unable to recognize what's right and what's wrong" (no matter what situation it is). Come on! Sometimes I feel that there is no such thing as  a distinction between wrongs and rights; what we define as good and bad depends merely on how we choose to see things that we are surrounded by. There is no such thing as definite reality and definite truth. Somehow, I am learning to be deaf to these lame categorizations … One cannot exclude himself from the picture that he's observing- so whoever tells you that there is such thing as an “objective approach/ point of view” is talking in oxymorons. If something is an approach or point of view- it is with no further doubt necessarily subjective.

If you actually come to think about the definitions of truth or reality and look up for their definitions online- you'll find that there are many. Even the definitions aren't definite.

So- who are we to label and judge others? Who are we to judge whether someone's wrong or right? 

My wrongs are sometimes someone’s rights; your rights can be my wrongs. Wrongs and rights differ from one culture to another, from one life philosophy to another; from one point in time to another... Bottom line- wrongs and rights are different for different persons, in different times, in different surroundings...

My advice in this post to all of those who have not given up reading by this paragraph :) is: DO NOT ASK FOR ADVICES and DO NOT GIVE ADVICES J All the answers are in yourself. Think with your own head.

I know that I’d never take back some of the stupid things I have done. Yes, they all had their price tags and some of them have been quite expensive to pay :), almost too expensive to handle. But they have made me a person I am today. And though I have many things I’d wish to improve, I like the person I am today. J No regrets. 

I doubt that this will be an eye opening blog post :) But I hope that it will get you to think about these things if you haven't been thinking about them before.... :) 

Do not judge people for their actions so quickly. Try to understand them. Understanding and acceptance does not have to mean that you are approving of something... You do not have to excuse someone's actions in order to try to understand them. Step out of your box for a while ... Find a potential to understand.

Think pink

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote. I’ve exposed my blog page to the ultimate neglect. :)

However, I have an excuse… Actually I have a few of them - I’ve traveled, I’ve met people, I had fun.. I got home, I got sick, I’ve spent hours resting and doctors found out that it was nothing too serious after all ...and now I'm back to being my usual busy self with millions of crazy thoughts running up and down my mind… Anyways, driving on a bumpy road of life (also considering that I am quite an awful driver, like all the women after all :)) , I have to admit that I am a bit exhausted. There is too much going on in my head. Too many dilemmas, and too little time to think. This kind of stuff always hits me in June. Defense mechanism which holds me back from having highly needed full-time concentrated study period. :) My mind just won't let me study. :)

Maja and I at the train station in Sutomore, Montenegro

Anyhow- on my way home from the library today, I ran into my friend Maja. We chatted casually for a few minutes. Actually she chatted and I whined. After I was done whining over my busy, crazy, turbulent life, she gave me a hug and said: “Smile and think pink.” 

Such a simple sentence really improved my mood (Thanks Maja <3). But (as Carrie Bradshaw :) ) I couldn’t help but wonder- how much enthusiasm do you need to have stashed in your backpockets to see pink in a grey, cloudy day (such as this day today) ? Is there even a person in this world who sees life in pink every single day? And if there is such a person, does that person even know what grey is? Standard story- we need to see the bad to recognize the good. Things could probably be as simple as that. And that is what comforts me when I feel like this. 

I guess, there will be numerous moments in life when I’ll catch myself being completely confused, distracted and unable to trap my thoughts and put them into logical sentences and somehow decide to publicly share my illogical senseless thoughts on this blog…. :P There will surely be numerous moments when you won’t know what to do, what path to choose, what to feel and what to choose...And yet I know, we’ll all get out from that mess and find what we need to find… 

Go with the flow. In the world where one is constantly being forced to organize time and set dates in busy planners, we might have forgotten what being spontaneous means.

What I am trying to say is- It is ok to get lost… I guess. It is okay not to know where you are going as long as you are enjoying the ride. Don’t ask too much. 

There are only a few certain answers in life and most of them revolve around the fact that nothing in life is certain. It is okay to be confused. It means that you have a choice. It means that you are yet to find all your ways. 

We should all stop rushing to get to some crazy checkpoint we deliberately created in our minds as some kind of artificial indicator of our personal success....Our greatest achievements aren't hidden at those checkpoints. 

Started watching Japanese cartoons. Disney does not provide me with enough of them. ;)

I doubt that this blog post makes any sense. But still, I hope you'll find something useful in it...:) If there is anything useful at all :)

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, we go. (Henry Austin Dobson)

Time. Inevitable fact of our existence, no matter how we define it. One of the things that we continually strive to precisely define and which in the end, only gets to define us. 

No matter which philosophical school we'll in the end support (the one that considers time to be part of the structure of our universe, a dimension which has its sequences in which it places events, or the other that defines this complex term as a fundamental intellectual structure (along with space and number) where time isn't a thing or event, and therefore cannot be measured....) we cannot avoid the fact that "time" lies right underneath the core of our existence. If you start thinking about it more deeply, you will with no doubt, get to the point of realizing that this life cannot be imagined without its time frame. All our beginnings and ends are defined by this exquisite paradigmatic term. 

I started thinking about time while standing in a long line at the supermarket the other day... Very soon after the waiting was finished, I found myself riding on the bus towards my Faculty... and then it hit me - I spend at least 40 minutes daily riding by bus ! (unless I stay home, of course)... So, when you sum up just the time you spend in the public transportation and time spent in standing in the lines, you will come to terrifying conclusions... I won't even mention hours I spend sleeping in late in the mornings, thinking how crazy is to get up early every day... There is always another day for waking up early, right?...  

Life is mostly spent in ridiculous time-consuming activities which we rarely even register at our list of activities... to the most precious things in our lives, we actually dedicate very little time... Howcome we barely even think about that? It seems to me like we are all going to wake up from this long-lasting hibernation at one point in life and realize that years are passing by and we have missed to do so much? We should be more careful how we spend our minutes...It seems like they are repeating one after another, but in fact not one minute is ever repeated. Once it passes, it will never come back to you... Use your time wisely...

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -

Steve Jobs

Be yourself. It sounds like such a cliche, but in fact, it is one of the most important messages in life. Follow your heart, not your planner... Your planner and schedule are Time's slaves... They are there to serve to it. But your heart...Your heart is there to serve to you and to the people you care about... We are temporary beings with the expiration date, with a chance to extend our existence through the people we love and things we do...
Living forever would be like not living at all... It is good that our time is limited, because that makes us see life as more delicate ... It is just bad if we find out late that we naively thought that this life could last forever and that life after all does have a limit...
Bear in mind that moments are truly fleeting. That time passes... That it passes with no chance of reversing.
...and then- find enough time to be happy.

 

Another cheesy blog post about being in love :)

I know that blog posts are supposed to be published regularly... However, it seems to me that inspiration does not come to you when you want it and just because you need to finish your new blog post, but comes to you when you are in the middle of thousand exams and your brain requires thinking about something else rather than studying :) :D Anyhow...

...These days, I am being lucky enough, to be directly connected to the very source of most of the inspiration in this world, and that is the state of being in love. (And it is the very middle of the exam period. So.... I am practically persuaded to write ) :) 

It is funny how, when you are not possessed by this wild blind spirit that we tend to simply call "love", you can think of anything interesting to write about... but once you are in love, that special person of yours is only thing you can think about. I wake up in the morning joyous, and whatever I plan to do during the day is instantly beautified, way in advance just because i feel that I have been given the wings, power, strength, magical wand to do whatever i want to do :) I have that cute pair of green eyes to think about, and whatever I do, it seems that the pure thought of them casts a spell on me in such a way that makes me fall in love with the rest of the world as well. 

And, at the risk of sounding completely annoying to all of those who are struggling through some kind of tough emotional period, I will once again write about the beauty of believing in it. :)

The truth is, one can never know how temporary this manic state of love can be, because it tends to come and go...(unless is what we so often call "real", "right", but no one can really define those adjectives... ) ...So many times we think that we have found what's right, and it turns out to be a thousand times more wrong than right... Although sometimes love ends abruptly and brings pain and anger, I think that no love (except destructive psychotic love, with which one loves itself and its fantasies and not the other person) can be wrong. Every love is right once it happens. 

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it its meaning.

I cannot pretend to know more about love than others and therefore by that justify my need to write so much about it. I can just write about what I think love is and inspire others to open eyes widely, for it comes in the most unexpected shapes and sizes. We often think that we must seek for a very long time to find the most beautiful things. We must seek, that is true, but seeking doesn't necessarily mean going across the seas, to different countries... What you are seeking for can sometimes be right in front of your eyes and you will miss it. 

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” - Johnny Depp

If you are lucky enough to have love in your life, treasure it, keep it safe and unconditional, give without reservation and make it the most perfect imperfect thing in the world. There is no such thing as love on teaspoons. There are no calculations in love. And there surely aren't any guidance books about relationships, and there certainly aren't any about love. The only guidance you need is inside you.

It is scary to fall in love. There is one good quote I found that wraps up the core of our fear.

 “We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.”

Love comes with the odds you'll get hurt. But as every good thing in life it comes with a risk. Once you will find that one person that will never break your heart.

If you have not yet found someone to love, even for a while, then just be patient. Love comes to those who believe in it. Trust me. That thing I know. :) Because, who are we without love? 

"Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely." -Laurence Marks

Best things happen to us when we least expect them. Just like that, out of the blue. Great things are rarely planned... Unless they are a trip to Hawaii or Disneyland :) 

Other than that, once you are free of expectations, once you are open-minded and emotionally ready, your heart will find a way. "True lovers do not just meet somewhere, they exist in each other all along". Everybody deserves that special someone, and has that special someone somewhere in the world waiting to be found and to find... 

Finding that special someone starts from finding yourself. Once you figure out who do you want to be, what do you want to do and find a way to search for happiness inside of you rather than finding someone else to be your only source of positive energy, you will be ready to have someone of yours... for love isn't finding someone to carry you on the path of life, but to stand by you and hold your hand. 

Just believe and never stop searching. And just like that, you will find that cute pair of eyes, just for you, in which you feel you can melt ...Eyes, for which time stops.  Just believe.